My hands trembled as I held the instructions, struggling to read them. He was 16 years old and an active member of the youth group. As a child I had studied at a Christian school and I didn’t know how to do a pregnancy test.
Slowly and meticulously, I followed the instructions. My tremor plunged into a still and terrifying calm, I put the test cover back on, placed it carefully on the bathroom countertop and slid to the floor with my back against the door, waiting for confirmation of what I already knew: I was pregnant.
- Despite what I knew to be true.
- I considered it only briefly; I knew that abortion was a sin and a mistake; on the other hand.
- Sex before marriage was also sexual; it was a little late to worry about sin.
- What I knew was that in three weeks I would move to a new city and start a new school.
- I’d go to a camp and be a normal high school kid full of promises and potential.
- I’d never look back.
Of course, it wasn’t that simple. The blood chased me for weeks, whispering my secrets in the dark corners of my clothes, and while the dirty laundry could be washed and cleaned, the dark spots remained in my heart (invisible scars engraved in the deep cracks of my soul) and no friction would help. .
Oh, but I tried. I tried vows of purity, youth groups, and missionary travel, tried ministry at university and in the Christian community, and being a good girl, and when all these things proved useless, I raised my hand and gave up. flashing lights, loud music and blurry memories.
Finally I ended up in another bathroom, with another positive pregnancy test, my mind accelerated: memories of the gray walls, the nurse’s face and the sad eyes of the women waiting, memories of blood. I knew I couldn’t do this anymore, so I wondered, would there be redemption here, if I chose otherwise this time, would I get to the past, would it do less harm to the scars?Will they disappear now, will it replace a new life that was lost years ago?
I was 22 years old when my daughter was born and I looked for her for the redemption I wanted, I decided to be a strong, independent single mother and show the world that I was better than my contaminated story, but my daughter couldn’t erase the pain of past years, and despite the strength she claimed to have, I collapsed under the weight of my sins and under the pressure of trying to prove that I was good enough.
Praise be to God who, in his mercy, saved me from myself; kindly confronted me with the depths of my sin and the weight of his holiness; softened my heart to repent of my sins and the forgiveness found in Jesus. to see Christ bear the burden of my sins and shame, offering in return my deliverance from condemnation and the right to be his beloved daughter.
God in his sweet grace made all things new. I devoted the scriptures, eager to learn the truth I had wasted all those years in the church. My daughter and I were welcome as a family to the community of believers. I married a wonderful and pious man who was determined to love me, lead and be my daughter’s father.
Very early in our marriage, my husband and I found out she was pregnant. We were delighted, which was actually a little strange. It was a path I had traveled before and yet I was excited.
A week later, I had an abortion
I didn’t know how to deal with the pain of loss, it was a strangely similar experience to the one I had when I was 16, but this time I was completely out of my control and the lies that still haunted my heart convinced. Why wouldn’t God take the baby he finally wanted?I deserved it. It was time to pay for the sins of the past.
One of the most outrageous statements Jesus made while walking on earth was his ability to forgive sins. In one account, a prostitute interrupted Jesus’ dinner with a Pharisee (Luke 7:36-50). Despite the woman’s reputation and public shame, Jesus accepted her acts of repentance and assured her, “Are your sins forgiven?(Luke 7. 48). The spectators were surprised: “Who forgives even sins?(Luke 7. 49). Earlier, Luke recorded a similar question: “Who can forgive sins if he is not God??” (Luke 5. 21)
People were right (only God can forgive sins), but they were blind to a crucial question (Jesus is the same Son of God) and with this authority, he can make a statement as bold as forgiving sins.
However, attendees knew that a holy and righteous God cannot simply forgive sins (they must be paid). And they knew that God had established a means by which forgiveness was possible: bloodshed (Hebrews 9:22). Therefore, when Jesus granted forgiveness to this notoriously sinful woman without giving her any instruction or without making arrangements for her Atonement, people were perplexed.
In his book The Prodigal God, Tim Keller elaborates this truth
Jesus was stripped of his mantle and dignity so that we could be clothed in a dignity and position we did not deserve. On the cross, Jesus was treated like an outing, so that we could be freely taken into God’s family by grace. Jesus drank the cup of eternal justice so that we could have the cup of the Father’s joy. Heavenly Father had no other way to bring us, except at the expense of our true older brother.
The instinct to seek self-explosion works deeply in us. Grace through faith is only difficult to accept and even harder to remember, especially when we continually face the sin that so easily retains us. And for those of us whose invisible scars are often blinding, thought remains: is this enough?? I know the Lord paid, but you see these scars, don’t I have to pay too?
I didn’t know this issue still dominated my heart, but I worked so hard to be a submissive wife, a good mother, a good Christian, I thought I understood grace, but I was always desperately trying to be good enough. I gently used an abortion to balance myself. He faced my scars on his forehead, then looked up to see his Son (his own Son whose lacerated hands paid for my sins in full).
A mother needs no scars like mine to take care of her attitudes and prove that she is dignified and accepted, we are all desperate sinners before a holy God and we are painfully aware that we have not reached the norm.
Sisters, we are confident in God because of Jesus, our great high priest, who came, not by the blood of goats and calves, but by his own blood, entered once and for all into the Holy Place of Saints, having obtained eternal redemption?(Hebrews 9:11-12). The precious blood of Christ has bought our acceptance and approval. That’s enough! Nothing (nothing!) It cannot separate us from the love of God (Romans 8. 38-39). Regardless of the scars of your past (on our best and worst days as a mother), there is no condemnation for us in Christ Jesus (Romans 8. 1).
Many of us in the church have invisible scars and, if they can disappear over time, for some, they still bleed. They are a constant source of trouble, as we face tormenting memories and struggle to believe that there is enough redemption, even for us. We.
Jesus also has scars. We cannot work hard enough to make ours disappear, but we can rest from all our efforts and remember this: through their bruises we have been healed (Isaiah 53:5).