I googled the word once? And he found that 99% of the images were sexual in nature. In today’s Western world, intimacy equals sex. Do you want to experience intimacy? You must have sex. The two are almost always inseparable in our minds.
We illustrate this fact in our instinctive interpretation of a single bible verse. He records part of a lament made up by King David of the Old Testament when he learned of the death of his best friend, King Saul’s son Jonathan. Words:
- I am distressed by you.
- My brother Jonathan; You’ve been very kind to me!Your love was exceptional.
- Surpassing that of women (2 Samuel 1:26).
Today, it seems impossible for anyone to read this song without thinking that David and Jonathan must have had sex. Didn’t you quickly think of something homoerotic about them?In using this verse, have some ever affirmed the biblical approval of homosexual relationships?because David says Jonathan’s love for him was better than a woman’s. We can’t help it.
But what about the more plausible theory that Jonathan’s mere friendship was more valuable to David than his complicated relationship with women?(1 Samuel 25:42-44 lists three wives at this stage of David’s life). Why is it not possible for him to enjoy the non-sexual intimacy of his friendship with Jonathan (also married) without the sexual intimacy of his relationship with Abigail, Aino and Michal, why doesn’t he conclude that he doesn’t say Jonathan was better in bed than his wives?but that Jonathan’s friendship was better than anything David did in bed with his wives?
Unfortunately, today we cannot conceive of that possibility. Such intimacy must mean sex. Our sex life should be the best of our lives. However, I think it tells us more about our relationship today than it did about David and Jonathan in the past. We live in a society whose only path to truth. intimacy has become the pleasure of sex.
And the consequences for someone like me seem very tragic: no intimate relationship because I say no to sex, so my life will be lonely without the kind of relationships every human being needs to survive, let alone to flourish. People think that the bachelor life I chose is not plausible, that I will languish slowly or (preferably) give up soon.
Human beings need privacy. Without it, do we die inside?Even if we keep moving out. God Himself speaks clearly of this need (Genesis 2:18). Kate Wharton addresses this issue in a useful way:
Ever since God declared that he was not good, that Adam was alone, human beings lived together, sharing life together. I need other people in my life. I need them to evacuate after a bad day; I need you to work with me in the department; I need you to share a bottle of wine with me as we speak; I need them to indicate which parts of my character to work on; I need you to celebrate with me when good things happen; I need to spend my days off and vacation with them; I need you to give me a hug and tell me everything’s going to be okay.
I need privacy in all these ways. So I need to have an intimate sexual relationship, have “someone special. “This seems to be Kate’s argument, but it’s not. She’s a single woman (who isn’t attracted to same-sex people?) who speaks of God’s need to live our life in community and declares what is largely ignored: that God’s response to the problem of human loneliness is not only the sexual intimacy of marriage, but all that the first marriage made possible. From this marriage has arisen the possibility of a community life. When I refuse a sexual partner, doesn’t God deny me intimate relationships?provides them in countless other ways.
So, surprisingly, I don’t think it’s God that prevents me from having intimate relationships, on the contrary, they often deny them to me because of our sexualized society and culture. The world we live in can’t handle intimate relationships that aren’t sexual. ; it doesn’t make sense. That’s not possible, so I had to abandon deepening friendships with men and women so that these friendships weren’t considered inappropriate, none of them were?But the supposed impossibility of non-sexual intimacy caused us to feel pressured to end it. very difficult.
But what has been more difficult is how the church often also discourages non-sexual intimacy. Unfortunately, our response to the sexual revolution unfolding outside our doors has been fair to promote sexual intimacy in the context of Christian marriage. And encourage people to keep it as part of the marriage, promising that this relationship will provide them with all the privacy they’ve always wanted. Journalist Andrew Sullivan talks about it:
The Christian churches, which have already supported the virtue of friendship as equal to the benefit of conjugal love, are the main and obsessive propagandists of our culture of conjugal unity and their ability to solve all human evils and meet all human needs.
I’d like to say that’s not true, but it’s!If our churches devoted as much time and energy to promoting good friendships as they did to good marriages, life would be much easier for people like me. And, interestingly, much better for everyone. Sullivan continues to point to a tragic consequence of this Christian idolatry of marriage:
Families and marriages often fail because they try to meet many human needs. A spouse must be a lover, a friend, a mother, a father, a soul mate, a colleague, etc. Few people can be all these things to one person. And when the demands are very high, the disappointment can also be great. If husbands and wives have deeper and stronger friendships outside the marital unit, marriage has more room to breathe and fewer burdens to bear.
We have to re-read all our Bibles, in them we will continue to find passages that command us to promote and protect marriage (only in the book of Proverbs: chapters 5; 7; 21. 9), but we will also continue to discover (perhaps for the first time) a surprising number of passages that also command us to promote and protect friendships (Proverbs 17. 17; 18. 24; 27. 5-66, 9-10) Do we need to start doing both?Not only for people like me to survive and develop, but also for our marriages and families to survive and grow.
And this will only happen if we aim for intimacy in friendships, as well as marriage, close friendships are what make my life possible today, I have a series of relationships with people who know me very well, they know most things about me: the good, the bad and the ugly. And they love me and care for me, despite this knowledge, and I give them kindness, despite the similar knowledge I have about them.
Phil and Caroline are two single friends I drink gin and champagne with?But not at the same time! They laugh with me and me (a great combination) and these are the two people I love spending the most time with, I spend the holidays with them every year, with a group of friends with us who have been sharing our lives for a decade. or more That’s a beautiful thing.
To give another example, let me talk about my friendship with Julian, Mark, Matthew and Neil. We met at a bible university. We always sat together in the same part of the class and gradually got to know each other. After a terrifying conversation about all the ways we could be destroyed in our lives and ministries, we formed a group of responsibility to help each other follow The Narrow Path of Jesus. Before this conversation, did we know each other very superficially?Thirteen years later we know each other very well.
And it meant that we know each other intimately, intentionally sharing the details of our lives that we would rather keep secret, but that really benefited from being revealed in good Christian companionship. First of all, I was frank and honest about my sexuality with this. group of friends. They have a good reputation for being reliable people you could share difficult things with, especially when sharing the difficult things they were going through. Does intimacy generate intimacy? Simply being frank and honest with other human beings encourages everyone to keep sharing and caring. They are, therefore, the people that God has used most to keep me alive as a Christian. I couldn’t be more grateful to God for them.
On the other hand, it is interesting to note that Christian psychologist William Struthers sees this kind of pious male intimacy as the main response to the current epidemic of pornography addiction among male members of the church. His theory is convincing:
The myths about masculinity in our culture isolated men from each other and undermined their ability to honor and bless themselves. Many men have few close friends. Their friendships are as deep as the things they do together. By meeting male friends to deepen, the need for intimacy can be met in a non-sexual way with those male friends. When this happens, the intensity of the need for intimacy is not channeled through sex with a woman; can spread across many relationships. Sexual intimacy can be experienced with a woman, but intimacy can also be experienced with others. Not all intimacy is genital, so don’t feel restricted in your relationships with your brothers and sisters in Christ.
Their argument is interesting: our sexual impulses not only diminish with sexual intimacy; they may be satisfied with non-sexual intimacy, also with friendship.
My personal experience is that the power of sexual temptation diminishes as I spend more time with friends with those I don’t have sexual intimacy with. It may sound strange, but I think it proves the fact that true intimacy is not only found in sex, but also. in friendships, so I don’t have to live without that intimacy just because I don’t have sex. For me, it meant intentionally ensuring that my friendships with members of both sexes are becoming more intimate. homosexual attraction, I know that intimacy in same-sex friendships can lead to more sexual temptations, but with the honesty and responsibility present, these friendships do not need to be completely avoided.
So, you want to do your part to solve the plausibility problem?Try to make your friends more intimate. I guess it’s going to be a challenge. We are quite used to being very shallow (especially if we are men). Bible adviser Paul David Tripp is right when he writes:
We live in intertwined networks of extremely informal relationships. We live with the illusion that we know each other, but that is not the case in reality. Shall we call him? Communion: our conversations are relaxed, self-protective and often theologically superficial, but these conversations rarely reach the threshold of true communion. We know demographic details and indifferent among us (married or single, type of work, number of children, place of residence). , etc. ), but we know little about the battle of faith that unfolds every day behind strict personal boundaries.
One of the things that still haunts me about counseling, even after all these years, is how little I know about people I consider true friends. I can’t tell you how many times, talking to friends who have asked me for help, I was surprised by the details about the difficulties and the struggle far beyond what I would have predicted. Intimacy is not only practiced by the unbeliever; it is also widespread in the Church.
If, on the other hand, we all began to live in intertwined networks of increasingly intimate relationships, our lives would be much better.
But how can we do that?
First, we need to spend time with people. Friendships are not built with quick conversations before and after the church, but when we stay in each other’s company. So what activities do we do the most? Well (ignore, if any): cook, eat, drink, wash dishes, watch TV, take children to the park, make crafts and walk through the mall; All of this comes to mind right away. Do you start inviting people to do these things with you (you’ll probably do most of these things anyway)?You’ll soon get to know these people better.
Second, start sharing intimacy with your friends. Tell them about your concerns, doubts, fears, and sufferings; Ask them questions about them. One of my best friends was built in a single conversation when he asked me good questions. Other friendships have developed slowly over the years, as we honestly share the ups and downs of life together.
Third, he perseveres. I love Anne Lamott’s comment: “Ruin is the foundation on which our deepest friendships are built. “I keep making mistakes in friendships and I’m tempted to run away every time I make mistakes again. However, my best friendships are those that have imploded, but have been slowly rebuilt. Friendships often continue after the first discussion or misunderstanding and the delicate and painful conversations that follow.
Want more help with your friends? My friend Vaughan Roberts recently wrote a little book about friendship that would be my best indication to you. We recently encouraged the entire family of our church to read it. In this article, Vaughan honestly shares his own perception of the superficiality of many of his friends and what has he done to change that?Based on what the Bible says about the importance of close friendships. Why not read this book after this article?
Editor’s Note: This article is an excerpt from The Same-Sex Attraction and the Church by Ed Shaw. Copyright (c) 2015 by Ed Shaw. Copyright (c) 2015. Used with permission of InterVarsity Press, POBox 1400, Downers Grove, IL 60515.