Walking with your loved ones in five steps
Do I help or suffer? Help or stimulant?
- Church parents.
- Friends.
- And family often find themselves in this precarious situation; someone we know and love is bound by sin; we wonder if the help we can offer them will help them find freedom or simply expel them.
We know that love does not allow us to simply ignore the situation, the scriptures exhort Christians to bear the burdens of others amid the chaos and confusion of life, especially in the darkest times (see Gal 6. 2, Cl 3. 13, 1Pe 4. 10). and others). We are called to do so with caution and care, so as not to be attracted to temptation (Gal 6:1), but also constantly, calling others to change (Gal 6:5).
But what does this mean in practice?
First, some warnings. Although you can’t find the phrase “Stages of change?”Nowhere in the scriptures, I want to introduce you to a proven and more popular paradigm used among counselors around the world, because I have been personally helpful as a pastor, counselor, and Christian. It is called “Model of Stages of Change Prochaska and DiClemente” (1983) “.
Now it must be said from the beginning that the Holy Ghost can and does what he pleases; it can transform hearts and minds in an instant; you don’t need to follow a specific model or take a series of steps or steps; it’s free to switch to you or someone you love whenever and however you want. And if he denies change, nothing you or I do will make a difference, even though consulting strategy has often worked before.
It should also be clear beforehand that you are not responsible for the transformation of another person, it is between the person and God (Galatians 6. 4-5). However, you are responsible for loving that person (John 13. 34? 35) as a brother or sister in Christ, including doing everything in your power to challenge and encourage them to walk according to the Gospel (Gal 2 : 14). .
With these things in mind, here are the five typical steps of change, with tips on what you can do or pray in each phase.
At this point, people don’t even think about changing. Whatever sinful behavior they are involved in, they take advantage of it enough to make the cost of resignation and change seem too high. good and healthy boundaries to protect ourselves and others. We cannot expect people to not sin when they see no reason to change. If these limits are violated, we establish and handle consistent consequences.
We see this kind of limitation in 1 Corinthians 5 when the Apostle Paul urges believers to separate theseed from a sexual sinner who does not repent (1 Cor 5. 1-5). Paul’s counsel was clear: a limit (you cannot be part of the Christian community) and a consequence (you will be given to the devil) with a purpose (so that your soul may be saved on the Lord’s day). The Church wanted man to change and reconcile, but to do so she had to take him out of communion, establish a clear frontier and warn him of the terrible consequences of unrepentant sin.
Discuss and explain what you see. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it’s not. Most of the time, when people are at this point, they don’t care. However, honest and open communication about the sin you see is essential. How does this negatively affect them or others?What consequences can you expect if you continue on the current path?This step can be particularly difficult for two reasons.
First, if you are the only one who suggests change, you will probably find yourself at a different stage in your own fight against sin. The distance between you in maturity and pity can create harmful expectations in you or bitter resentment in them. get tired of trying to force others to change when, frankly, they don’t want to. At this point, people may want their money, their time, their pain, their approval or something else, but what they don’t want is if their friend or family member doesn’t start wondering why they should change in the first place, all their persuasive arguments and valuable resources are likely to be ineffective.
Second, when do those who help you circle begin to feel?When the change does not occur immediately or quickly?We started to be punitive. Here’s a subtle difference: we can, in a subtle way, stop thinking about what’s best for the person to try to make them pay for what they’ve done to us. When we do this, we cross the line of the consequence of punishment.
When someone has not yet recognized the need for change, we pray to heaven that the Lord, through the Holy Ghost, will open his eyes and convince his conscience (Jn 16:8). It is generally best to keep these sentences a secret. the fact that he is asking God to change him when that person does not realize the need for change in the first place can encourage more the establishment of his wrong steps than to change his course.
At this point, people really start thinking about change. In other words, he now considers change worth it. They are not yet convinced that change is necessary, but they are willing to consider it. When someone is at this point, we can help you evaluate the proverbial list of pros and cons to lead you to more complete repentance.
Honesty, being honest (almost brutally) at this point gives good results afterwards. We get into trouble when we exaggerate the benefits and underestimate the disadvantages. If we don’t want to be honest about the cost of moving, we’ll lose our credibility. Do we start to look like a “miracle oil seller”?promote the wonders of a miracle remedy and minimize side effects.
Rather, we should be like the doctor who tells his patient, “It can be painful, but it’s worth all the suffering. “Change usually requires pain. Christians understand and accept this as much as anyone else. Our most fundamental change came, through unbearable pain and at a high cost (Rom 6. 23; 2Co 5. 21; I have 10. 10; 1 P 3. 18).
At this point, we can pray that God would produce the seeds of conviction in their hearts and grant us patience and humility as we wait. Is it so hard not to try to use the reins of control? to prevent us from trying to create the perfect sales pitch or find “foolproof” strategies. Whether or not God gives our loved one the ability to change, to confess his sovereignty and our helplessness, is a rich blessing in the process. Rest in his power and goodness, because he can save, not us (Is 12. 1? 2).
At this point, people are convinced that change is necessary, but still has to, the duration of this stage varies. Sometimes people want to implement change right away, sometimes people need more time. Our goal at this point is to help them develop a change plan, without discouraging them or overwhelming them with too many details.
Help them think about what life will be like in the near future and in the distant future, will they have to undergo some kind of treatment?Are there new routines to be established, in a year’s time, when change becomes a habit, what will the triggers be to avoid?Try to plan in detail, but keep in mind that there is no way to predict everything. Keep in mind that things won’t end exactly as planned.
The biggest mistakes people make at this point are preparing too much and feeling overwhelmed, or just ignoring this step and not doing any preparation. We’re not trying to build the perfect plan; we’re just trying to come up with a plan that works.
At this point, we pray to God for wisdom. We cannot foresee all the barriers that can prevent change; However, we want God to help us predict as much as we can. Knowing that our plans will achieve nothing without the blessings of the Lord (Luke 12:13-21), we must pray for discernment made possible by the Spirit and enlightened by the word of God. We need wisdom to help our loved ones make plans and prepare to move forward (Pr 6. 6-11).
At this point, people begin the real process of change. In some cases, steps 2 through 4 change rapidly. There are times when people are convinced of something and simply decide to change, but these cases are rare, usually people have to define a time when they know that new behavior is about to begin, this is the main reason why New Year’s purposes are so popular The beginning of another year provides a clear starting point for change.
Now we assume the role of stimulus. Our friend or family member will need hope, comfort, and strength when the road is difficult. The cost of moving is high, so we shouldn’t be surprised if people start to feel discouraged. It’s helpful to be side by side and say: we knew this was going to happen and we prepared for it.
It is also the stage at which we begin to relax the limits we have set in Stage 1, where there were appropriate consequences for bad decisions, there should now be appropriate rewards for positive decisions. As Ligon Duncan says, “it is in the context of obedience to the covenant that the blessings of the covenant abound. “Even the Lord recognizes that we, the weak and the weak, need encouragement and rewards for our hard work (Lk 19:11-19).
At this point, we pray to God for the gifts of compassion and encouragement, on the one hand, we want to ask for strength to support our loved ones when they feel overwhelmed, to have the spiritual and emotional strength to be good listeners, and to carry with them their heaviest burdens; At the same time, we want to constantly remind you of the incredible resources they have in Christ and the need for them to become increasingly responsible for their own maturity and growth (Fil. 2, 12-). 13), of course, in the context of the Christian community, in good health.
At this point, people are trying to move from a new action to an ingrained habit. This is the longest phase and most likely to relapse. This can take six weeks to five years, depending on several factors.
Change is not only difficult to achieve, but perhaps even harder to maintain. People will need continuous stimulus. Usually, at that time, around six weeks, we begin to move forward in our lives, we assume that change has now occurred. This usually leaves those who have trouble managing the deployment alone and overwhelmed suddenly.
There is a threshold just before change becomes a habit, where perseverance seems impossible. The effort required to pursue new behavior no longer seems valid. The structure of the change seems broken. This makes plans and celebrations so important. As our loved ones continue to reach predetermined milestones, we must continue to look and rejoice. There is no need to celebrate every positive day, but simple words of recognition and celebration are powerful tools for lasting change.
Praise, however, has little value without our continued commitment to dedicated prayer. If we remember to pray daily for them, more diligent in our verification, we will be kinder to listen to them and be more abundant in celebrating God’s grace with them. .
At this point, do our prayers at this point begin to focus on solidarity grace?Grace to overcome the inevitable unforeseen difficulties. We recognize that we cannot predict or plan for the future perfectly. If our beloved wants to persevere, he will have the strength, wisdom, and help of an unwavering God (Psalm 55:22).
Change is difficult for everyone involved; parents feel unhappy to see that their children choose sex, drugs, or alcohol over the eternal joy of the gospel; friends feel terribly guilty about seeing their friends follow a path of self-destruction, rather than following the path of Churches being confused and distressed when professing believers openly choose mortal sin over their loving Savior.
Do all these things want to know what that really means? In practice, at all times?Help someone change. Sometimes we patiently endure a brother or sister, being willing to ignore an offense; other times, we must rebuke them with love and hold them accountable. Am I helping or cheering?
It’s not always easy to say. But this structure can help you evaluate when someone is really interested in being different and when they just want you to help them avoid the latest consequences of their bad choices. It’s not infallible, but as a pastor and counselor, it’s been invaluable. .
The good news is that the exhausting and slow daily effort to see someone in the midst of a difficult change cannot compete with the invigorating grace that the Spirit of God gives us at all times in the process. With God’s help, we can find ourselves. dependent and able to have a positive impact on our loved ones that will last forever.