Editor’s Note: The following is an email conversation between Sam Allberry, Rosaria Butterfield, and Christopher Yuan, with questions about homosexual attraction, celibacy, and the church.
1) Suppose you have two single people and one of them is single because you have a strong homosexual attraction (HA) and therefore assume that marriage is impossible What is the difference between guiding and discipeding one and guiding and discipeding the other?
- Sam Allberry: I’m glad to talk about it with all of you.
- I thought it would be nice to start with some initial answers.
- And we can start from there.
In a sense, there is no difference: none of us know what God has in store for us for the future and whether He wants us to be married or single, but there is probably a difference in expectations. People with AH may find it less, realistic to be married and therefore will consider long-term celibacy, while the other person can still presume or expect marriage to happen in the future. In any case, everyone will need confidence in what His Heavenly Father has for him, and that everything that happens will be an expression of his kindness to him.
You’ll both have to try to cultivate friendships, too. One mistake we sometimes make in pastoral ministry is to assume that those who will probably be single for a long time will have to work hard to make friends, but that those who are married are not. The more I am in pastoral ministry, the more I see the damage caused by not investing in rich friendships, both for the bride and groom and for the single.
Christopher Yuan: Sam, thank you for starting with such an excellent vision!These are some of my thoughts.
I am grateful that the approach here is correct, focused on parenting and discipline. Often, people who have a homosexual attraction (AH, I use this term as an adjective) who seek help are obsessed with their temptations by people of the same sex (as if these temptations were their only problem) and end up with an anthropocentric attempt to eradicate inner sin through an evolutionary psychotherapeutic methodology. This is not true, because the purpose of any struggle against sin is to put us on the path of God’s grace through the Word, prayer, brotherhood, etc. In the midst of all this, tutoring and discipline play a fundamental role in walking and guiding people through the means of grace.
On the one hand, we must help our single friend who has a homosexual attraction to know that his struggle against sin may seem unique, but it is not fundamentally different: every individual we pass or disciples bears the image that suffers the consequences of the fall: original sin, inner sin, and present sin. The sin of homosexual behavior or sinful homosexual desires are not the worst sins. Therefore, to mortify the flesh every day, these people who have HA need the same grace as everyone else. People with AH often feel and are treated as if they were the worst sinners. To mitigate this, they need to be reminded that they need the same grace as everyone else.
On the other hand, pastors are often concerned that people who have HA develop an attraction to the pastor/mentor. On this subject, there are some things to say. First, we need to understand that the fact that a person may experience same-sex attraction does not mean that they are attracted to all people of the same sex.
At the seminar I looked for a partner I respected so that we could start praying together every week, I knew that he was aware of my past, that I had lived as a homosexual, the first morning of our meeting he said: “I never want to be an obstacle for you. Let me know if you’re starting to get attracted to me. It was one of the strangest situations of my life. Men who have AH need to see how healthy and compassionate friendships with same-sex people are. I did not like men (in a sexual and romantic way) and needed to know how Christian men should love each other in such a way that they honor God that he is not sexual or romantic, but always intimate.
Of course, we must recognize the possibility of attraction, but this usually begins or accompanies codependency. Staying alert about codependency should be part of any discipleship relationship. In particular, lesbian relationships rarely begin sexually, but with unhealthy relationships. We must use divine discernment as long as we are shepherds/disciplined, and we must be attentive to unhealthy co-dependence, as we would with anyone. There is a line where we must walk between promoting healthy privacy and avoiding co-dependence. this line is broad enough to comfortably develop pious friendships. I think Rosaria can be a good person to comment on codependency.
People with HA are often at both ends, or believe it is impossible for them to marry or believe that marriage to a person of the opposite sex is the solution. In both cases, I seek to protect them from fixation on their sexual attraction and marital status and focus on the means of grace.
However, I would also like to dispel some misconceptions. In the first case, God can do anything, which means He can give someone who has HA. even a person with strong attractions? the desire of a person of the opposite sex. I know of several people with whom this has happened, even when the homosexual temptations may not have completely disappeared (like other struggles with sin). Nor do I believe that sexual attraction should be the basis of marriage. Agape love should be the basis (self-denial, selfless love and sacred love). All the attractions, passion and desire have to be present in the marriage, but it doesn’t have to be a passionate sexual passion. In fact, marriages based on sexual passions can end up failing to honor God and fail. I often tell people that it is easier for me to find my possible / potential wife because I can see other women as daughters of the Most High God and not as an object for my sexual pleasure. I can see his spiritual maturity, his love for the Lord, and his attention to the means of grace, rather than being obscured in my discernment by strong passions.
As for the second case (the individual who believes marriage is the answer), I tell him that marriage is a great blessing, but that it will not be the solution to his sinful desires, I would tell him to keep that hope, but for now, once he is single, I encourage you to focus on the search for Christ without neglecting you as a bachelor. Preparing for marriage is not the goal of a single Christian, but it can be used as a healthy stimulant for good purposes. And there is no better way to prepare for marriage than to anchor ourselves as a woman or a man of God. If we want to love someone and be loved, we must first love God. Why the greatest commandment precedes the second commandment The only way to love others is to love God first (Well, maybe that answer was a little long!)
Rosaria Butterfield: First, I am very grateful to Sam and Christopher for addressing these issues. Brethren, you have dealt very well with the important issues here and I have little to add. I will focus my answers more on how to address women’s discipleship in the previous two examples.
First, the difference between these two people is that the person who has an HA may experience oppressive and chronic loneliness, while the other person may feel a bitter urge from married friends. Is it vitally important to be by a Christian’s side in his suffering?doesn’t it matter if we feel that sadness is right or not?try to see things from your point of view. There’s no point in saying, “Your broken leg is like Roberto’s!”
Jeremiah Burroughs’ book The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment 1 is a great resource to use in the discipline of either of these two individuals. In addition, I would like to know what each person experiences in church culture. A person living in HA treats many ecclesiastical cultures intended for dating differently. It can sound threatening and trigger a dangerous thought: “These people don’t understand me and they will never understand me. “Do we have little benefit in terms of discipline and well-being of people if the culture of our church is toxic?and often it is.
Secondly, while it is true that for many people, sexuality and sexual attraction are fluid and change over time, and also that the best marriages are between people who are spiritually and affectionately compatible, telling this to someone who has HA sounds like scolding. she, as you say, just needs to adapt to that. I have disciplined women who have complex and painful responses even to the idea of heterosexual sex. For women, AH may be motivated by a strong attraction that becomes sexual over time, or by strong opposition to any sexual expression involving penetration.
Third, for the woman seeking biblical marriage. We must be aware that, for many women, commitment also implies a sometimes painful loss. Most evangelical women who go to college start wanting to change the world, with big and fantastic dreams and plans. In general terms, these wishes to change the world are the wishes of individuals; Are they parallel to other wishes? marriage, family, etc. , but they rarely interact. However, with the perspective of commitment comes the promise of leadership. and the loss of some kind of independence. I do not say this to criticize or condemn this fact. The biblical leadership of the husband over the wife is a beautiful image of Christ and the Church. But when we teach women, we would do well to know that women who want to be godly wives should also pray for a kind heart to submit to their husbands. In marriage, a husband and wife learn by faith and the leadership and submission of the disciples; These things don’t happen naturally to any of us. Do single women need to know this, as this changes? in roles (from an independent agent of change in the world to a faithful wife and, if God provides, mother) is a God ordained blessing, it also comes with a sense of loss of who you once were.
2) How can churches do a good job of integrating into the lives and bodies of people in the church who have a strong same-sex attraction?
Allberry: Is it perfectly appropriate to live without sex?But none of us are made to live without intimacy. Tragically, we live in a cultural moment in the West where we channel all our thoughts on intimacy into one expression: romantic or sexual relationship. the only place where people think they can find and express their privacy.
As long as this is the case culturally, and as long as it is reflected in our churches, it will be very difficult for anyone to feel that Christian sexual ethics are plausible, so we have to make sure that our church family is really a family. Jesus promises that there is no one who has left the house, neither the brothers, nor the sisters, nor the mother, nor the father, nor the children, nor the fields for me and for the Gospel, who does not receive, already in today, a hundred times more houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields, with persecution; And, in the world to come, eternal life? Thus, those who have joined our Churches should be able to say that they have experienced increased intimacy and fellowship, that is, one of the most urgent ways to guide singles, whether they have an HA or not, is to guide to the rest of the church on how to become a family.
And it has to be bidirectional. I think it can often be a mistake to bring all singles together in a ”unique ministry”. Married people often face a lack of deep friendships outside of marriage, and children need the contribution and example of other church aunts and honorary uncles. Singles can be very blessed for their participation in family life, so we must foster friendships that go beyond generational and marital divisions.
Yuan: I agree with Sam. La integration is the key. Like most churches can testify, he?University and professional group?What do I normally call the singles ghetto?This is not always the place where dynamic and regular discipleship takes place. It often becomes something of a Christian carnage. I learned a lot from Barry Danylak, who wrote about a biblical theology of celibacy. Do we need to realize that the nuclear family is temporary while the church?God’s family is eternal. Under the old covenant, God’s family grew through procreation, while under the new covenant, God’s family developed through regeneration.
Responsibility for integration rests with non-unmarried (i. e. married) people. It is generally not appropriate for a single person to join and invite a family home. But is it more than appropriate? It is imperative that families and couples invite single siblings into their homes. Are single Christians our sisters and brothers, daughters and sons, aunts and uncles?bound not by human blood, but by the blood of Christ that has been shed.
Butterfield: Evangelical churches have lost the art of integrating people into the Christian family and living in community as a family of God. The lost art of Christian hospitality has placed excessive burdens on singles and excessive expectations about what the church should do.
My husband Kent, me and some of our children are the only believers in our family. If we did not have other believers in their roles in our homes, we would have no brothers and sisters, and our children would have no aunts, uncles, and this understanding that believers around the world are God’s family extends beyond home, of course, but that does not minimize the importance of living together in the home.
Kent and I see the alliance as a platform for this kind of life. At home, almost every night, we have dinner with members of our extended family at the church and the people in our neighborhood. We spend a lot of time on our food, bring Bibles and psautiéres while the dishes are still on the table and people are still picking up their food. It’s. Jesus also ate and drank.
After the devotions, Kent takes the lanterns and takes the children who live in another house, and we wash the dishes. While the children bathe, the adults talk. Almost every night they are like this in our house because our children have grown up and our house is relatively stable. We also use our guest room almost constantly, especially during the holidays, when people feel loneliness approaching.
Christians who fight AH often feel marginalized from the church, but do we know people who fight on God’s way?They mortify sinful desires, deeply use the means of grace, be faithful members of a church that believes in the Bible, sin and apply faith in the circumstances of our loss and pain?They are true heroes of faith. When people know they’re part of it and they love them, everything changes.
This reality must be manifested from the Christian home, not from the small group promoted by the church. Can you imagine the difference it would make if all the Christian homes in all our churches really did that?Of course, there are times in life when we don’t; for example, when my mother was dying, or when we had just adopted our teenagers who lived in a shelter. We need fluidity on this issue. However, if no house in our church practices radical hospitality, it indicates a problem, an internal cultural problem.
(Continued in Part 2)
1 In Portuguese, a condensed version of this book is available under the title “Tightening to Be Contente”, by Editora PES?Nt.
By: Sam Allberry, Rosaria Butterfield and Christopher Yuan. © 9Marks. Website: 9marks. org. Translated with permission. Source: celibacy, same-sex attraction and the Church
Original: homosexual attraction, celibacy and church (part 1). © Faithful Ministry. Website: MinisterioFiel. com. br. All rights reserved. Translation: Camila Rebeca Teixeira. Review: André Alosio Oliveira da Silva.