The following excerpt was extracted with permission from Barbara Duguid’s book Graca Extravagante, Editor Fiel.
One morning God powerfully taught me this lesson, in a moment of confusion, just before sunrise. I was in the shower, again, at three in the morning. The migraine had lasted for several hours and showed no signs of improving. The time I spent vomiting had exhausted me and prevented me from digesting all the pain relievers I had taken. In a desperate effort to escape this nagging, infuriating pain, I crawled into the shower to feel the water fall on my head. It didn’t take away the pain, but it did bring a few moments of distraction and relief. The problem was that every time I got out of the shower and went back to bed, the pain returned. It was already my third shower, and I felt a growing tension in my head and body, as I realized that the pain was getting worse and the nausea started again. I was at my limit, and when I stepped into the shower, the world collapsed on me. A great anger against God broke out within me, and the accusations flowed, while the tears began to flow. “My God, I have begged you many times to end these headaches, IN THIS headache, but you have not taken it away. ” Why? What do I need to do? Why don’t you listen to me and why don’t you care? The great theology that I have learned over the years has only fueled my disdain. He knew that God had the power to do all his holy will. He could easily get rid of all my headaches, and I had to struggle with the fact that he wasn’t going to do it, despite everything I begged, pleaded, or threatened.
- Suddenly.
- A thought invaded my mind and I knew it wasn’t about me.
- If God does all things for his own glory and for the good of the chosen.
- Then this headache must somehow meet these two goals.
- You must glorify God and.
- Mysteriously.
- Be good to me.
- One thought led to another.
- When the Holy Ghost invaded my mind.
- Saving my soul: If God loves me?And I know you love me because you tried it on the cross?Therefore.
- It is love that forces them not to do my will right now.
- Why would a Heavenly Father and a loving Father plan this for me today?.
I knew these thoughts weren’t mine because they were unusual and strange to me. My usual pattern of responses to the headache boiled down to bitter complaints and accusations, but those thoughts were something else: they were truths about truths that would lead me to a whole new way of thinking. I began to pray and confess my anger to God. This experience in the wasteland of constant pain made me stand before God and raise my fist in childish anger. Why would I tolerate such irreverent, proud, and sinful behavior? I had been doing this for years and yet I survived! He had not destroyed me for my audacity or punished me for my outrage. My eyes were suddenly opened to the stream of sins that flowed from my heart against God for not doing my will or letting me do the things I wanted; so it was broken. My thoughts turned from bitter accusation to contemplation and adoration, as I marveled at God’s incredible patience with me. God never promised me a pain-free life, but I thought he owed me exactly that and I hated him when he didn’t do my will or didn’t act as my employee.
I closed the shower and as the water flowed down the drain, something huge and dark began to come out of my soul, God used the desert of this migraine and many others before to open my eyes to something I had not seen. In years. My stance before God had been that of a person who believed himself worthy and full of endless demands. This information was new to me, but it wasn’t new to God. He always saw my heart and knew what was in it. but he waited lovingly to this day to open my eyes and show me the depth of my sin. Once again, they wouldn’t let me feel miserable and terrible. The immensity of my sin must have revealed something wonderful about my Savior. Jesus, was crucified by this same burden of wickedness, and loved me in doing so; He chose to suffer, literally, the overwhelming wrath of his beloved Heavenly Father in my place, so that I would not die for my sin.
An image formed in my mind when I saw myself before the cross of my dying Savior as I affronted him for not stopping my headache. The absurd implications of this visualization melted my heart with sweet sorrow and deep gratitude. that I was certainly capable of such malicious, selfish and immature acts, and yet nothing I could do would distract me from the love of Jesus Christ. Moreover, Christ not only died of my death, but also lived perfectly for me, suffering from the illnesses and pains of a human being, existing in a limited body, without whispering against God or accusing Him and without sin in any way. Then he erased my story of resentment and anger and did me justice.
Jesus also asked God for something once, but his will did not prevail. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he asked God to take away the cup of his wrath, to take it away. However, God did not answer this prayer (Matthew 26:39). Jesus, however, did not respond with bitter and threatening accusations. Instead, he prayed, “But are you not the way I want to be, but as you want?”and I got up to embark on a journey of pain that I will never know or could bear. Without anger or accusation, he decided to endure great agony, so that my anger directed at God would not destroy me. Now Jesus’ righteousness was mine, though he still struggled with sins like anger and bitterness. What a wonderful love Christ showed me as he suffered voluntarily: What incredible love the Father showed in allowing Jesus to suffer in my place!What a joyful surprise to discover how he continues to support me, guiding me through the deserts he has planned for me and patiently suffering the injustice of my sinful reactions, to reveal my heart and teach me his love.
I wish I could tell you that my headaches ended that day. It would be even more wonderful to be able to say that I have never been angry with God again!Instead of my anger toward God disappearing completely, I began to see that there was much more of this anger in me than I could see that night. God is kind and merciful and does not show us the truth about ourselves at the same time. , determines the moments and times when it opens our eyes little by little, so that we can bear it. The wonder of contemplating the measure of my anger is that once I knew it, I was able to confess it to God and plead for the gift of repentance. When we live in the denial of sin and don’t exactly see each other, we can’t really grow up. We are paralyzed until the Holy Ghost gives us a vision and gives us repentance in time.
That night, a more surprising blessing came with the gift of my headache. The headaches didn’t end that day, but they changed radically. Migraines besides rabies are more severe and painful than migraines without it!emotions fueled my throbbing heart and throbbing head, aggravating the pain. When my heart’s attitude toward God and His will changed, headaches became less severe and more bearable.
The Holy Ghost also began to show me many ways in which migraines were really good for my soul; Migraines have made me humbler and reminded me that I am only flesh and blood; I have been shown, time and time again, that God does not need my help to rule the universe. He can do very well with me lying on my bed. Some days I thought my duties were of the utmost importance, but God showed me otherwise. I told myself that God wanted me to do this, this and that one day?Just good things, like serving my children and working in the ministry. Then I discovered that what God really decided to be better that day was that I had a migraine.
I began to think more often that while a migraine was God’s good will for me, it was also God’s good will for my five children and my husband. Through my headaches, God was teaching my children to be more compassionate to those who suffered and training my husband to faithfully serve his family, even when the job was demanding and much more rewarding than caring for his wife. . and kids. My struggle also revealed the idolatry of other people in our home. This revelation led to his confession and repentance. In other words, my migraines weren’t just about me! God has used them to accomplish His good purpose in many lives and in many ways. This suffering never seemed like a good idea, but God’s perfect will had proven otherwise. He gradually granted me more grace to submit to his will and believe that he is kinder and wiser than I could be. I began to learn and believe that it was his loving will for me, not his evil and vengeful will.
If decreasing the total number of sins I will commit had been God’s primary goal, He would have kept me out of the wilderness. However, God took me to the desert to reveal my sins to me, because seeing them is good for me and glorifies him. Seeing our own sin is good for us, because when we do this, our Savior becomes more esteemed by us. When we are strong and strong, do we not generally look to Christ? we do not need it. However, when we fall, overcome by sin and weakness, there is no one to turn to except the one who died our death and lived the life we should have lived. God loves contrite and humbled hearts; and we do not acquire them through a victorious Christian life. It is precisely in the context of all this weakness and sin that our God invites us to lean on his mighty arm and promises to guide us with sleepless eyes and a loving heart. He tells us: “Do not fear, because I am with you; do not fear, because I am your God; I strengthen you, help you and support you with my faithful right. (Isaiah 41:10). However, this reinforcement is not always a force of obedience; sometimes it is also this extraordinary power to survive our weakness and worship Christ with more joy because of it. Our God goes before us and through his powerful Word, the twisted is straightened and the light shines in the dark. In the midst of all our failures and all our sins, God’s promises to his children stand firm and true: he will be our sun, our shield, and our great reward (Psalm 84. 11).
The fact that we are totally depraved is a truth that no one has learned just by hearing about it. John Newton
Why do Christians still sin so often?
In this book, Barbara Duguid teaches us, from John Newton’s writings, God’s plan for our faults and our guilt. His frank and empathetic approach, with illustrations of his own struggles, raises our attention, of our own efforts, to a God. who is greater than our failures and who uses them for their glory.
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