Years ago, when it came time to select Bible study material for the following year, did my church program committee inform our female Bible study team that we should no longer use Bible studies produced by a specific author?We’ll call her Susie Smith.
While this recommendation was being disseminated, didn’t it seem right to many of our women, including me?We loved Susie Smith’s Bible studies! God had worked powerfully through these studies and we saw absolutely nothing wrong with them. Why would our church leaders revoke something that had been a catalyst for such spiritual growth?They certainly didn’t ask for our opinion ! We were outraged, to say the least.
- Our pastors learned of the complaints that were ringing in the halls of the church and convened a meeting to discuss the issue.
Now I’m sure my heart I control has distorted my perspective, but that’s how I remember this meeting: our pastor walked to a quiet room with about twenty-five women and said, “I want you to know that your elders love you. and I care about you. That’s why we decided there would be no more Bible studies from Susie Smith. The decision is final, but can you ask questions?
Some questions were asked (mainly for me). He answered briefly, then turned and left. Then twenty-five women burst into tears and started kissing. We were frustrated, wounded and outraged.
One woman said bitterly, “I am more skeptical of our shepherds than of Susie Smith. Do I believe it!?. Another woman said, “Another church on this street offers Bible studies of Susie Smith. What if we all go? Another said, “Or maybe I’m just organizing a Bible study at home. I think we should be able to do whatever Bible study we want!
You can imagine the conflict that followed. Sir, forgive us
Conflict can occur in any context, but in the church there is extra intensity. In the church, we not only contribute to an organization, these are our acts of service before God!These are the spiritual gifts we scatter on the altar.
We are passionate about what we have to offer, and when someone refuses to listen to or discredit our point of view, we naturally feel hurt, offended, and misunderstood. This is true on both sides of the argument.
In the example I described, my pastor might have said, “Listen, I went to the seminary. I fought, studied and prepared for this role. I served him and prayed for you. I make this decision by aiming for what’s best for you. “, and discredit me ??
However, the women said, “Wait, are you telling me that I can’t run this department (which was going very well, thank you) the way I think I practice?I gave up my gifts and my passion for it. Have I spent hours of my time each week? And I don’t get paid. I do this because I love Jesus, and you’re saying I’m wrong?
Men and women can be controlling; we just act differently. Most men tend to be more overly confrontational and direct. They are generally clearer about the conflict. Controlling men can belittle, intimidate, or become arrogant. But the same is not true for women’s control.
Women tend to be more subtle. We chat, we call supporters, we use emotion and we boycott. Controlling women can become rigid or keep goals hidden. In the meeting I described, neither party had bad intentions. Women did not expect to be factions. Our pastor was not trying to create tension, but division and conflict naturally arise when committed but misguided believers try to serve together.
At the time I didn’t know I was a controlling girl, the difference now is that I see the problem in me and see it as the usual behavior in many conflicts that arise, as leaders, we cannot choose for others, but we can exert our influence.
How can we invite the women we serve to join us on the journey of transforming a “controlling child” into a daughter of Jesus?
Jesus lived the quintessence of a life of abandonment. At the time of the greatest conflict, instead of taking over, he said, “Is it not my will, but yours?”(Lk 22:42). Do you hear the sweet renunciation in these words?resignation is the antidote to control.
Control and resignation are contagious. When we are surrounded by people who control, we are forced to become controllers, and when we are surrounded by people deeply abandoned to God, we are also forced to abandon our hearts.
Here are some ways you can influence the dominant girls you serve to resign.
It’s easy for me to focus on other women who control my church or ministry and be blind to my own tendency to suppress or resist. Often, when someone makes fun of me, it’s because they want what I want: control.
I was once frustrated by a conflict with a sister in the ministry named Sonia. I felt Sonia control a lot! When I called a friend for help and clarification, she said, “I want you to list all the similarities between you and Sonia. Then pray for your full list and ask God to work on both of you.
I realized that Sonia and I were very alike!When I prayed, I imagined Sonia and me at the foot of the cross with our common weaknesses. With a new repentance, I cried for my sense of superiority and abandoned my burden of trying to control Sonia What freedom she brought!
When conflicts arise, I am always the first person I have to summon to resign. How easy it is to go back and start trying to control situations and people that bother me. God demands that I remember that he is already in control, so it’s not necessary.
Is there another girl controlling beside you? Make a list of shared weaknesses. Pray sincerely that God will transform you both.
Women who struggle with control the most are often the most dedicated and care deeply about the department. They have a story and finally they want to serve God! But in time, they made God their ministry.
When a conflict arises, it is very useful to begin by expressing my sister’s good intentions. I can say, “I know this is important to you, because you are dedicated to proclaiming the gospel. “Yes? I appreciate your passion for God and your deep love for the women of our church.
I cannot expect my sister, who is a “dominant girl,” to immediately see her own sin. God has to open his eyes, and that often takes time. My goal should be for her to come out of a conversation with me knowing that she is heard, appreciated and loved.
How can he express his intentions?In doing so, it removes obstacles that can prevent submission to God.
Uniformity is when everything is the same, without difference or variety. But God created the Church to be united and not uniform!Unity would not be necessary if everything were the same.
Does unity occur when people very, very different? Perspectives, passions, gifts and vocations?They have a thought. Unity is not the result of a person taking over, it is uniformity!Unity is the result of everyone giving up a certain measure of control. As leaders, we must lead by example.
Do you have a girl who controls your church or group that is discussing her views?Instead of saying, “She should do the right thing,” consider, “How did God create it to do this differently?Ask God to show you that any answer without a Bible verse to support it is invalid.
However, preaching by example is not enough. Your dominant sister may have to be challenged and asked to resign because of the ministry. Ah, how are you going to prepare your heart for this conversation. Be sure to overcome an attitude of unhooking or anger. Instead, work diligently for unity!
Read these verses aloud, filling in the blanks, if any
I, I have to walk a path worthy of my call to serve as . . . In my relationship with ‘, I must be humble, gentle and patient. I must endure the weaknesses of love, diligently striving to preserve the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace (as we read in Ephesians 4:1-3).
Controlling girls can cause distress, conflict and division. But should we be leaders who diligently strive to preserve the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace?(Eph 4. 3). As we go first and invite others to join us, God will play our churches and groups of peace, joy, and unity.