The following text was taken from Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jim Newheiser’s book Entre Pais e Filhos, published in August 2018 by Editora Fiel.
A few years ago, I concluded a sermon for parents by saying that our responsibilities as parents finally cease when our children become adults. After the service, one of our older friends, Elmer, put his arm around my shoulder, smiled and said, “Jim, no one will stop being a father. “I had no idea the veracity of these words in my life.
- Although this book is a collaboration between Jim Newheiser and Elyse Fitzpatrick.
- All first-person statements are by Jim.
- Throughout the book.
- You will often also find personal testimonies or advice from parents like you.
- These statements were based on Jim’s experiences of counseling and interviews with family members whose stories are likely to overlap with that of his family in several ways.
- Permission was granted to use these statements and all names and situations were changed accordingly.
At the time, our children were still living with us, but Elmer’s comment made me think, so did I realize that he and his wife, Evelyn, were still very involved in their children’s lives?And some were almost my age. For example, when one of his sons got sick, Elmer crossed the country to stay by his side and help keep his business until his son recovered. She has another son who, with his wife, is a missionary in Mexico, and they visited the In addition to these constant trips out of town, Evelyn was involved in the home education of a granddaughter who lived near her. Elmer’s life was proof of what he had said. He never stopped being a father.
My understanding of our ongoing parental responsibilities grew when I read an article in the local paper about a woman celebrating her 105th birthday. Speaking of his relationship with his children, the article quoted him as saying, “Well, they’re not kids anymore, but, to me, they still are. “Their children were 74 and 75 years old and, although adults for more than half a century, remained their “children. “And, as I knew, if you have your own children, never stop calling them “children. “
In recent years, my wife and I have seen our three children enter adulthood, we are grateful for the good relationship we have with each of them, we learned a lot from seeing our children become men, but the truth is that it was a difficult learning experience for us. As we went through this turbulent period, I often felt as if I was in seas that had never been sailed before. I tried to find biblical resources to help us navigate this rocky area, but there was nothing. were, of course, many good Christian books on early childhood education. In recent years, good books on adolescent education and how to deal with teenage rebellion have also been published. But wasn’t there anything to address the specific challenges Caroline and I faced?Challenges we face as parents and that our children face as adult children.
Conflicts and difficulties between parents and adult children are not just problems among Christians, Time magazine has produced a cover article on the social phenomenon of twixters, a term that refers to adults who still live with their parents and remain in the transition from childhood to life. In many ways, they look more like big kids when it comes to managing mature responsibilities. In the film Frames of Love, Matthew McConaughey plays a typical twixter, a lazy man in his thirties who eventually leads his parents to despair. To get rid of this mess, they hire a specialist to imagine the circumstances in which they hope to induce their child to leave the house. Although things didn’t go exactly as expected, the son eventually left the house and the film ended with the parents singing cheerfully: “Hit the Road, Jack. “
A few months ago, as I crossed Phoenix Airport, I realized that this twixter phenomenon was part of our daily lives. I saw a young man dressed in a shirt who boldly said, “I still live with my parents. “At the time, I thought I was just trying to be funny, but then I wondered why I was wearing a shirt like that.
The Christian community faces its own challenges in this regard, as many young adults, raised in Christian homes, decide to abandon the faith. A survey conducted by the Barna group found that about six out of ten twenty-five-year-olds who participated in The Church during their teenage years ceased to participate actively in Christian activities. In recent years, the first generation of homeschooled children graduated and became adults, but many have not met their parents’ high expectations. Not because they are children who have left the house; is that they have stopped embracing their family’s faith. Reb Bradley, leader of the home education movement, wrote:
In recent years, I have heard of a multitude of grieving parents from all over the country who have studied at home, many were leaders of the movement. These parents trained the first generation of children to discover that their children were not what they expected, many were role models of students at home, but some time after their 18th birthday, they began to reveal that they did not believe in their parents’ lives. Some of these young men became adults and left their parents’ home as rebels, some married in a way that went against their parents’ will, while others became involved in drugs, alcohol, and immorality. who no longer believed in God. Most of these parents remain perplexed by their children’s choices because they were quite convinced that their way of raising them would prevent such rebellion.
Well-meaning parents, who have spent two decades of their lives trying to shape their children, find it difficult to give their adult children freedom, especially when they make decisions they don’t approve of. What should parents do when they disagree with their children’s choices?One of the parents we interviewed wrote, “For some reason, we thought that when our children were 18, our role as parents would end. On the contrary, we found that the moment when we faced the most challenges as parents was between the age of 18 and 23?when the children were young, was it easy to be a parent?It wasn’t easy, but it was simple. Another father wrote, “I never imagined it would be so difficult. “
In addition to my relationship with our own adult children, I am also a biblical advisor at the Institute of Biblical Counseling and Discipleship (IBDC) in Escondido, California. In recent years, I have dealt with a large percentage of parent-parent conflicts. adult children. Personally, I’ve dealt with the kinds of problems I present here. I’ve also seen parents trying to control their adult children by treating them as if they were still children unable to make mature decisions for themselves. I have helped conflicting families about dating and marriage options, adult children with debts or justice issues, and even conflicts about the role parents should play in their grandchildren’s lives.
Our souls have been enriched by the time we have devoted to advising families like yours; We are extremely grateful to you because we see the power of God’s Word in the lives of your people when people gain confidence in their will and experience the blessings of their presence. and wisdom. We are sure that you will feel the same blessing when you learn the meaning of saying with Elmer and with us: “Even if it is sometimes difficult, I will never cease to be a father. “
One thing I have learned in the midst of all this headache and conflict is that a book that addresses all these topics from a coherent biblical point of view is very necessary, because we fully believe in both scripture infallibility and sufficiency. of the Word of God to prepare us for all good work (2 Timothy 3:16-17), this book is likely to be different from all the others he has read. This book assumes that the scriptures are sufficient not only to teach to be saved, but also to help us build wise and pious relationships with our adult children.
There is another characteristic that makes this book unique: instead of relying on a list of predictable steps, it will point to the cross and the only Man who had a perfect Father and was a perfect Son. Is it because of your incarnation? Did you really live in a normal family, with a father, a mother, brothers and sisters? that we can be sure that you have experienced all the temptations that you now face. It is because of his sinless life, how he perfectly loved his Heavenly Father and his family, that you have access to God’s presence as a forgiven and justified child. Is it by your death on the cross that you paid the price for all your sins? not just the great sins, but also the seemingly insignificant way you have loved yourself or your children more than God, that you can present yourself to your Father completely sinless and completely righteous. He is also your risen Lord who overcame death and the power of sin to free you from bondage to the old way of doing things. You can change, because Christ is risen! And finally, the gospel message reminds us that Jesus Christ currently reigns as Lord over all things, sovereignly overseeing everything that happens in his life and in the lives of his children. Jesus Christ also sent the Holy Spirit to dwell in his heart and to make sure these struggles are not all there is. You may be going through a time of deep pain, but we should not focus only on this life.
If it is true that fatherhood ends when we enter eternity, if you are a Christian, you can be sure that God will never cease to be your Father, He has promised never to leave you or abandon you; He is your Father, and that will never change. He will always protect you, support you, and forgive you. He is your eternal and merciful Father. You can really rest and face the day with confidence. This world and these difficulties are not all there is. There is a Heavenly Father to whom you can address all your concerns and carry it in your heart.